November 26, 2010

Spit List Recap: Charlie Sheen, Taylor Swift and Recreational Drug Use

Today on Alphabet City: Jon Paul’s top moments of the 11th Annual Thanksgiving Spit List.

My post-turkey daze ritual is always the same: first, from my kitchen blackboard, I take down and pack away holiday recipes snipped from the pages of Bon Appétit—this year’s Malt-Beer-Brined Turkey with Malt Glaze will go in the fan-favorite file along with 2003’s Sweet Potato Brulee and 2001’s Spiced Cranberry Sauce with Zinfandel.  Then, I can settle in for one more sip of coffee as I reflect on the dinner conversation provided by The Spit List.  Even in the 11th year of the game, the debate was wildly controversial. Here’s a recap of the proceedings.

The Launch.  As tradition holds, I threw out the first pitch: Rupert Murdoch, for using his media empire to advance a debilitating Republican agenda and fanning the flames of the Tea Party insanity.  For background: I launched a quiet protest a few months ago by boycotting the mogul’s media properties.  Honestly, I’d never been a big reader of WSJ so that was easy.  And Fox News?  Please.  What channel is that anyway?  But the New York Post was more complicated—leaving behind PageSix was hard enough (I’m a bold-faced name there after all), but not getting my Michael Reidel Broadway gossip fix was excruciating.  So, I decided I could read that online—for free.  When I fretted to Chef that I felt like I was cheating since I love Fox TV’s Glee, he helpfully suggested that I just not frequent the advertisers for that show.  Since I don’t use Dove hair care products, that sounded like a plan I could get behind.

Pop-Culture.  Speaking of Glee, that phenomenon surfaced multiple times in the always sure to provoke incredulous protests: the Pop-Culture Category.  Scott wanted to spit on Glee’s Rachel and Fin for promoting “too much of a wholesome, all-American image.”  While Jimmy from Madison Facebooked (yes, I did, I made it a verb) in his nomination of Artie—Glee’s differently enabled character, “his character is way too white and geeky to be singing all the cool male vocals.  And, for God’s sake, get him some new glasses and stop wearing those ugly sweaters!”  The table nearly came unglued, until I read Jimmy’s other nomination—Taylor Swift.  Everyone agreed with Jimmy’s assessment, “she can’t sing live if her life depended on it.”  My own nomination of Dancing with the Stars—for giving ridiculous individuals like Bristol Palin some kind of platform—was followed up more specifically by Scott who objected to Jennifer Grey and her nose.  Darrell chimed in with Charlie Sheen, not because he’s just generally out-of-control, but for his unnecessary use of the N** word.  Mike took Charlie’s actions a step further expressing frustration with a class of people who mistreat sex workers.

Social Network.  Nobody at the table seemed to understand my distaste for Kanye West’s Tweets and the ridiculous amount of media attention it has generated.  Really New York Magazine?  So I was happy when Aimee Skyped in from Kabul (she didn’t really, she emailed from Afghanistan, but I just wanted to be Oprah for a second) with her unhappiness for the person responsible for Sarah Palin’s blog who wrote something like, “I hope we drove Democrats crazy by having Bristol as a final contestant on Dancing with the Stars!!”  Damn, there’s that show again.  As Aimee said the woman is crazy not only for dedicating her life to that “whack-a-doo” but also for “thinking that a lame e-list celebrity dancing show will have serious political ramifications.  Dumb-ass.”

Show Stumpers.  Aimee contributed Diandra Douglas to this category reserved for nominations that need added explanation.  Most at the table needed me to explain the background on Michael Douglas’ wife filing a financial compensation lawsuit long after her divorce was finalized—while her son was going to prison, and Michael was off to chemo.  I’m sure she’ll be a contestant on DWTS soon—and then everyone will agree.  Also in this section, Werner nominated Porsche.  Not the car—or a misspelling of Ellen’s wife—but the Fire Island/Key West drag queen songstress.  To be fair, Werner asked for a rule clarification if Porsche would be considered famous enough for the Spit List.  I reluctantly allowed it only because she was briefly Wanda Sykes’ side kick on the comedian’s brief talk show foray.  Porsche’s offense?  Squandering her talent evidently—Werner objects to her deteriorating Ice Palace performance from Friday night to Sunday afternoon.  Gay boys can be tough, I’m telling you.

Show Stoppers.  This is like the Best Picture Oscar—it’s the big kahuna.  The nomination that stops conversation cold.  It was inaugurated several years back when Angela nominated Trig Palin, Sarah’s down syndrome child.  She didn’t like the child being used as a prop—and she also didn’t necessarily believe the child was Sarah’s.  Well, stone cold silence at the table.  Last year, Scott won this category with Rihanna—in the midst of her Chris Brown beating controversy.  He didn’t like her haircut, but still, spitting on a gal when she’s down is pretty strong.  But he stood by it.  This year, hands down, the Show Stopper award goes to Chef for his nomination of a class known as “Recreational Drug Users.”  With a table full of gay boys, including me, who have partied their way around the globe—from Sydney’s Mardi Gras to Montreal’s Black and Blue—you could have heard a pin drop.  But Chef soldiered on, “Believe me, I’m all for legalizing drugs.  But that’s not going to happen here.  And in the meantime, drug use in America is ravaging my home country of Mexico.  It’s tearing it apart.  So every time someone takes a sniff or pops a pill, you are killing someone back in Mexico.”  We all paused for a second to take that in.  Then someone asked, “Could you wait until after New Year’s maybe?”  And then someone else started in on Gwyneth Paltrow and of course we were back to Glee.

But I looked across the table at Chef and smiled.  Proud that he had spoken up and taken an important stand.  We might have been laughingly playing The Spit List, but for a brief moment, the game provided a reminder of the relative comfort and safety we enjoy in America—and that it comes with a privilege.  A duty to say “thanks.”  It’s our freedom that allows us to even have something like The Spit List.  Who knew that 11 years ago, Chloe Sevigny and Scarlett Johansson would lead to this?

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November 24, 2010

Spit List XI: Tea Party Pat Down

Today on Alphabet City: Jon Paul sounds an alarm regarding preparations for The Spit List.

Chloe Sevigny was the original Spit List nominee 11 years ago

Confused by the kooky controversy surrounding TSA pat-downs?  Bored by the bogus buzz around Black Friday?  Then turn your attention to that imminently more critical consideration—the question that gets everyone gobbling at Thanksgiving gatherings: Who’s on your Spit List?

For those of you who don’t have time to read an excerpt from Alphabet City about The Spit List origin that includes Chloe Sevigny and the Condé Nast cafeteria, let me lay the ground rules:

  • Your Spit List nominees should be folks you so dislike that if you saw them, you would spit on them.  It is a guttural response based upon a visceral reaction, which means there’s really is no rhyme or reason.
  • You can only spit on famous people—someone that you might see on a red carpet.  It can’t be Bob in accounting.
  • Your Spit List doesn’t have to be long; people can move on and off the list over time.  Scarlett Johansson was on my very first list, but has since moved off.  Although the recent appearance of her lips on Saturday Night Live has me reconsidering.

Did someone just spit on John Boehner?

Friends have tried exporting The Spit List to overseas celebrations with varying degrees of success.  Last I heard, my friend Aimee was debating the delicacies of introducing The Spit List to Kabul based on her limited success with it in Liberia.  At last year’s Spit List 10th Anniversary Celebration, favorite choices included Lou Dobbs and Rihanna, the latter nominated because of a bad haircut that just seems to be getting worse.

WORD OF CAUTION: In a post-election daze, it’s easy to go wild with political appointees to your Spit List.  Believe me, I am all for a full on TSA pat down of the Tea Party baggers.

Gwyneth and a rain of spit?

But from experience, the game is far more fun when there’s a Spit List balance of party officials and pop-culture wackos.  So, for every John Boehner there should be a Gwyneth Paltrow—damn, her Glee appearance is throwing a curve ball at my Spit List.

Good luck, guttural speed, and may your Spit List be thoughtful and controversial.

And by all means, let me know whom made your Spit List.

Excerpt from Alphabet City’s Episode 11: Bold Faced Names

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November 23, 2010

Tex and the City: Maudlin Maupin

Today on Tex and the City: Jon Paul checks in on gal pal Mary Ann Singleton in Armistead Maupin’s new Tales of the City novel.

In addition to Mary Tyler Moore, another triple named gal, Mary Ann Singleton, has eased me through some of life’s sharpest moments.  Driving in a U-Haul to Alphabet City nearly 15 years ago, I kept awake listening to my friend Martin read aloud the latest antics of the fallible heroine of Armistead Maupin’s Tales of the City series.  Indelibly inked in my imagination as the actress Laura Linney who played in her in the PBS mini-series, the girl is back in the 8th book in the collection, Mary Ann in Autumn.  The books have always been a cleverly composed and punchy commentary on pop-culture, vaguely hiding Maupin’s own worldview and life experiences, with hilariously constructed plots.  This one is no different—minus the hysteria.  There aren’t many laughs here.  As the title would suggest, Mary Ann’s light is dimming at the age of 57 which leaves her feeling a little blue, perhaps a reflection of Maupin’s own maudlin mood.

Laura Linney (center) as Mary Ann Singleton

A personal tragedy has lead Mary Ann to escape her New York life—where she fled in earlier episodes—to return to San Francisco to seek comfort from lovable characters she had left behind, including best gay friend Michael and the indomitable Mrs. Madrigal, played to TV perfection by Olympia Dukakis.  Like Mary Ann, Michael has aged and now has a much younger husband, giving Maupin the opportunity to explore monogamy in gay relationships, along with a titillating discussion of male vs. female sexual desires.  A supporting cast of characters includes the transgender Jake who provides a real insight into the psyche of gender identity issues that Maupin didn’t necessarily explore earlier with Mrs. Madrigal.

But really, the story here is all for Mary Ann, as one would expect from the book’s opening dedication to Laura Linney.  I couldn’t help  imagining that captivating actress reading some of the lines here—as if Maupin was channeling her current character on Showtime’s The Big C (a program I’m wildly ambivalent about).   Typical of Mary Ann’s sorry state of mind:

“It all goes so fast, she thought.  We dole out our lives in dinner parties and plane flights, and it’s over before we know it.  We lose everyone we love, if they don’t lose us first, and every single thing we do is intended to distract us from that reality.”

Maupin and his muse

Sounds like a Sondheim lyric if you ask me—and something Chef said to me on second date, sweet, right?  Only Laura Linney could give this thought a lift that would keep me from hitting the bottle to drown my sorrows.

Maupin has been a big influence in my own writing.  His clever integration of historical references and pop culture items will no doubt make the books an important cultural historical relic.  I took cues from Maupin in writing Alphabet City trying to capture the feel of a specific time period—the late ‘90s—with stories about early gay dating on the Internet—hearing the modem connect with static, for example.  A line that always earned laughs from gay boys when I was on book tour.  Here, Maupin hones his craft using Facebook as an important plot point.  Similarly, Mormons and their Prop 8 fight in California are crucial to the development of a few other characters.

Honestly, I was excited but nervous when I first learned that the next book in the Tales of the City series was forthcoming.  Similar feelings to a class reunion, I suppose.  While you might look forward to catching up with the people you remember liking—meet their new spouses and lovers—it’s always the signs of aging that are  worrisome.  Maybe it’s that you don’t want to see those reflections in yourself.  On the whole, I’m glad I attended (read) the Mary Ann in Autumn reunion.

It gets better at a gay pride event

But it didn’t perk me up.  Instead, it left me feeling, well, maudlin.  And if that’s how Maupin is feeling, then by all means, the next time I see him, I want to give him a hug.  Because after autumn, it gets a little worse in winter, but then there’s spring.  As the phrase of the moment says, it gets better.

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November 21, 2010

Kitchen Knightmares: Sour Cream Dream Coffee Cake

Today on Kitchen Knightmares: Using sour cream mixed with sugar and cinnamon, Jon Paul whips Chef into a frenzy.

Grandma Tommie comes for a visit

It’s hard to say when it happened exactly.  But at some point, Chef fell madly in love; some might say addicted, even.  In return, I began withholding—knowing that just a taste every so often would make him want it more.  Of course, I’m talking about my Grandma Tommie’s Sour Cream Coffee Cake, just one in my treasure trove of East Texas recipes that make an appearance on special occasions.  Honestly, I’m not at all sure that the Sour Cream Coffee Cake is one of my grandmother’s favorites—I don’t really remember her making it.  But the recipe was given to me in a bundle from my sister Paige years ago, and well, it just makes a better story here in Yankee land.

Like I said, I don’t pull out the white trash stops too often.  And in the early years of my relationship with Chef, an intimidating true foodie, I kept them hidden.  So I’m sure the Sour Cream specialty first debuted at a long ago Thanksgiving when our house was filled with visitors, and I knew just what to make to keep the hordes happy in the morning.  From the first bite of moist goodness of sugar, sour cream, eggs, flour, with layers of pecans covered in cinnamon, and of course, more sugar, Chef was hooked.

For no real reason, and despite the ease of the cake, I insist on making it only one time a year—the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  Over time, I’ve steadily resisted to making modern changes.  Grandma Tommie wouldn’t have known what to make of the Vegan Organic Sugar I used last year, and I wasn’t convinced it made the cake any better.  A few years back, to spice things up, I shelled out a fortune to an antique dealer in Fairhope, Alabama and carted home a turn-of-the-century copper bundt pan as a special gift for Chef.  He could have cared less—it’s all about the cake, stupid.  [note: Chef never verbalized this, just my own imagination a riff on Bill Clinton's winning campaign mantra]

This year, for one of the first times, there are no guests in our house.  But I’m still whipping up the oh-so-thick batter.  Because if I held out any longer, Chef might go looking elsewhere.

Grandma Tommie’s Sour Cream Coffee Cake

For the batter:

1 cup soft butter

2 cups sugar

2 eggs

1 cup sour cream

2 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

¼ teaspoon salt

1 ½ teaspoon vanilla extract

Topping:

1 cup ground pecans

2 tablespoons sugar

1 tablespoon cinnamon

The very thick batter

Preheat over to 325 degrees.  Beat butter and sugar well.  Add eggs, beating after each one.  Add sour cream and vanilla.  Add dry ingredients and beat well.  This will make a very heavy batter.  Grease a bundt pan.  Mix topping ingredients together.  Pour, more likely, spoon less than half of the batter into pan.  Sprinkle with half of the topping mix.  Add remaining batter and then remaining topping.  Bake for 45 minutes at 325 degrees or until toothpick inserted comes out clean.  Cool briefly and invert on to a cake plate.

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November 20, 2010

Tex and the City: Books for a Cause

Today on Tex and the City: A good cause reinforces Jon Paul’s love of hard covers over e-books.  Guest stars: Daisy Martinez, Patti LuPone (sort of).

Last night, in the midst of a passionate Upper West Side crowd, Patti LuPone was staring at me with an eager, come hither grin.  As I approached, a cutish guy caught my eye, “You’re the first one to show interest all night.”  He was one of the volunteer’s at the Goddard Riverside Community Center 24th Annual New York Book Fair.  And unlike celebrity chef Daisy Martinez who was signing books in-person across the room, Patti had sent a facsimile of herself courtesy of the cover of her book, Patti LuPone: A Memoir.  What must have the contentious discussions been like to come up with that clever title?  Still, after a product plug on Glee from the impossibly precious Blaine, I couldn’t resist taking a peek inside.  After all, it was for a good cause.

Every year the weekend before Thanksgiving, the Goddard Center hosts this fundraising fair featuring 50% off some of the latest and most buzzed about books donated by various publishing companies.  And I can see why they participate every year.  The Goddard Center is an outstanding organization with 27 programs in 21 sites on the Upper West Side and in West Harlem focusing on children, youth and families; homeless people; older adults; and advocacy and tenant assistance.  Thanks to the Whole Foods Market Upper West Side sponsorship of the event, Chef scored me a pass to the gala preview where I shopped for best sellers without breaking the bank.

For Chef, I elbowed my way through the Cooking section picking up Thomas Keller’s Ad Hoc at Home and Bouchon at way under market value, while cautioning other buyers that his French Laundry cookbook was really only for the extremely seriously trained culinary professionals.  For myself, I grabbed Mark Bittman’s latest The Food Matters Cook Book.  In the Hot Titles section, I nearly tackled someone to pick up a hard cover cop of Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, even though I just ordered it on Kindle.  I’m still having trouble getting my head around reading “important” novels in electronic form.  I have the same issues about wanting to have real copies of “quirky” books, which is why I probably nabbed John Waters’ Role Models.  Super Freakonomics, on the other hand, is a book I would happily read electronically, but not economist-turned-Chef, so I caved for him.  We even picked a Christmas present for our nieces, a sweet children’s book Me, Frida about Frida Kahlo finding herself and following her dream when she moved to San Francisco with Diego.  The book jacket says the book “encourages young readers to believe in themselves so they can make their own dreams soar.”  Hmm, maybe I’ll hang onto it.

Back at the Entertainment section, I was just putting down Patti’s book, not too impressed with the over-the-top self-congratulatory opening.  Then the Goddard Center Broadway Babies took the “stage” and belted out “Give My Regards to Broadway.”  It was a Glee-come-true, and I decided that Patti should come home with me.

On the subway lugging home all the heavy purchases, I couldn’t thinking about Kindle—hoping e-book craze never puts this cause out-of-business.

Grab your own Patti or Frida at the Goddard Riverside Community Center 24th Annual New York Book Fair, 593 Columbus Avenue @ 88th Street

Saturday, November 20, 2010, 10am to 6pm
Sunday, November 21, 2010, 11am-5pm

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November 19, 2010

GayWeddings.com: Amsterdam Emotion.Bread

In my latest post for GayWeddings.com, I uncover a clever addition to your gay (or straight) wedding.  Here’s an excerpt:

Swans mate for life as captured in this emotion.bread

Just like fashion designers are often inspired by overseas travels, my wedding and event planning tips are informed by my tastey gay getaways. Amsterdam was no exception—and no, I’m not talking about the infamous coffee shops and Red Light District. In the revitalizing neighborhood of Westerpark, I met up with artist-chefs-innovators Marjolein Wintjes and Eric Meursing at their De Culinaire Werkplaats, a design studio, restaurant, store and more for food concepts.

CLICK HERE to read more about Marjolein’s concept of making bread the centerpiece of sharing for life’s sweet and savory moments like “always together breads”—for (gay) weddings.

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November 18, 2010

Kitchen Knightmares: Kiss My Grits

Today on Kitchen Knightmares: An unusual invite from Kraft leads to Jon Paul’s first recipe exclusive.  Guest star: Chef Marcus Samuelsson.

When the cat wasn’t devouring my baby food, I mostly subsisted on a diet of chicken fried steak, peanut butter, and fried chicken growing up in Texas.  But on occasion, my palette veered into the exotic, enjoying delicacies unusual for many kids.  Slurping oysters at S&D Oyster Bar was a favorite Sunday afternoon treat.  And I never had enough of Aunt Shirley’s spicy gumbo with slimy okra bits since tasting it required a seven-hour car trip to Lafayette, Louisiana.

Years later, when my partner Chef began cooking for several Big Apple families, I was surprised to hear stories about the picky eating habits of NYC kids.  I had wrongly assumed that growing up in an urban jungle where exotic ports-of-call are represented on every street corner would have lead to a sophisticated—and expansive—palette.  Instead, Chef found himself cooking one more round of crowd pleasing chicken quesadillas sans cilantro.

Chef Samuelsson seems to be everywhere--including my subway stop

Thus my suspicion when an invitation to a brunch sponsored by Kraft heralding the kid-friendly recipes of Top Chef Masters Season 2 winner Marcus Samuelsson.  It was part of a new collection included in Kraft’s iPad app called Big Fork, Little Fork featured.

Now, I’ve been a big fan of Chef Samuelsson practically since I moved to New York—blown away by his global infusion of flavors into Scandinavian cuisine at Aquavit.  But what was a chef known for exalting exotic flavors doing with a solidly middle American food giant like Kraft in an effort to promote kids involvement with cooking?  This couldn’t be good, or successful.

Having briefly worked on a PR campaign for an international snack giant, I’m generally suspect of food companies and their efforts.  But, hey, I was impressed that Kelli, one of the publicists on Kraft’s team, had researched NYC food blogs and writers, and targeted me.  Besides, who am I to cast stones?  I of all people know that in this day and age, writers and chefs need support of major marketers to advance their messages and agendas.  My own Chef might have a book coming out soon, and this would give me a chance to see up close and personal how a chef that I admire navigates the often times tricky world of corporate partnerships.

Chef Samuelsson authentically balances Kraft's messages

Turns out, the charming and clever Chef Samuelsson manages it with ease, helped by the fact that Kraft isn’t over reaching here.  As the company executives explained to me, the idea behind the app is to give busy families some fun tools for easy cooking.  Sure, each recipe features at least one Kraft product—maybe some cheese, salsa, or taco shells—but the special recipes developed by Chef Samuelsson add in exotic flavors.  “We don’t have time to cook like in my grandmother’s age,” Chef Samuelsson said as he whipped up some flavorful chicken tacos.  “Not many people are going to make their own salsa or their own taco shells, so you’ll use these good options from Kraft.  But the rest of it you can cook yourself.  This application is about striking a balance between store bought and fresh.”

The recipes all have complete nutritional breakdowns, which is great, but made me wonder if Kraft was missing the mark.  Shouldn’t they be attacking the obesity problem in America?  As if he was reading my mind, Chef Samuelsson interjected, “Maybe in the next round we can address obesity, diabetes.  But this is a first step of getting kids involved in food.  It’s great for Kraft to be part of the solution.”  Point taken.  At least Kraft is doing something, even if it is subtly marketing their food products.

And just as I was starting to snicker that Chef Samuelsson was cooking a pretty easy recipe of chicken tacos for a room full of snobby food bloggers and writers, he once again whisked away my skepticism.  “I grew up in Sweden.  And all over the country on Friday nights, the entire country eats tacos.  Surprising, right?  Not what you think of as authentic tacos.  But Swedish tacos with all sorts of unusual fillings.  And I realized that tacos are a great way to incorporate different types of ingredients and flavors for kids.  Light chili pepper, or paprika.”

The dish on the brunch display I was most taken by was the Red Grits.  In the South, grits are a gateway food to a heart attack.  But Chef Samuelsson’s concoction tasted more like a side dish at an upscale Italian restaurant.  I commented to one of the Kraft executives that I would love to feature the recipe, and she told me they were exclusive to the iPad.  I pressed, and she said she would see what she could.  A few minutes later, she returned with Chef Samuelsson in tow, explaining that it was up to him to give permission.  When I told him my childhood love affair with grits, he lit up, “That’s it.  Grits are really a food that kids eat in some form around the globe.  So they are a wonderful way to introduce kids to vegetables like tomatoes.  Of course you can have the recipe.”

And then he smiled, and my heart melted.  Because I knew that in his heart, he was doing the right thing.  Fighting the right battles.  Marcus Samuelsson is as passionate as Jamie Oliver, but way more palatable.  And he’d just given me my very first Kitchen Knightmares exclusive.

Kitchen Knightmares Exclusive

Red Grits by Marcus Samuelsson (adapted from Kraft’s iPad app Big Fork Little Fork)

Ingredients:

1 Tbsp, olive oil

1 tsp, tomato paste

1/8 tsp, smoked paprika

½ cup, grits (old style, NOT instant)

1 cup, chopped tomato

1 cup, tomato juice

1 cup, fat-free reduced sodium chicken broth

¼ cup, Kraft shredded Colby & Monterrey Jack cheese

2 Tbsp, chopped fresh basil

To Make:  Cook first three ingredients in medium saucepan on medium to low heat for 1 minute.  Add grits; cook and stir 2 minutes.  Add tomatoes; cook and stir 2 minutes.  Stir in juice and stock; simmer 10 minutes.  Top with cheese and basil.

JP’s notes: I like a little heat and spice (fancy that living with a Mexican Chef), so would add more paprika or even a hint of chili powder.  The fresh basil definitely gives it an important flavor punch, so keep that in mind when you taste for seasoning—you don’t need to over salt because the basil will give it a kick.


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