Today on Alphabet City: Jon Paul is disturbed about being mistaken for a celebrity in The Matrix.
Other than being mistaken for Stephen Dorff by Growing Pains’ Joanna Kerns at a movie premiere party in Hollywood, I’m generally not someone often confused for a celebrity. So I was totally unprepared for what happened yesterday at my neighborhood Century Hardware when I was innocently buying a space heater.
The handsome Dominican guy who was writing up my invoice (I love how old school it is in there) looked at me with his piercing blue eyes.
“You’re in movies, right?”
I couldn’t imagine he was a big Stephen Dorff fan. I smiled bashfully.
“No. Not me.”
“Oh come on. It’s you. You just don’t want anyone to know, right? I won’t tell. You’re in The Matrix!”
The Matrix? Did he think I was Keanu Reeves? How flattering. The guy was blind, but I’ll take the compliment.
“No, I’m definitely not in The Matrix,” I replied.
“Yeah, yeah. You’re definitely in The Matrix. You’re Agent Smith! I’ve seen it like 15 times. You’ve seen it, right?”
“Of course,” I lied. “Well, you’re going to have to watch it a sixteenth time because I’m not Agent Smith.”
He leaned over the counter flashing a wide grin.
“And Lord of the Rings, too. Right?”
At first, I thought the guy was just teasing me. But now I realized he truly believed I was some actor—and I had no idea who he was talking about. I shook my head, but he still wasn’t convinced.
“That’s okay. I get that you don’t want everyone to know. I won’t tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me.”
As I rushed out the door with my package, I knew just the person to clear up this mystery—Chef. He has a sound knowledge of both films and could give me an accurate assessment if I indeed looked like this unnamed actor. Since I lost some weight in the last year, I was sure I was being mistaken for some hottie. Chef knew exactly who the guy was talking about.
“Agent Smith? Really? I don’t see it. He’s right, though, that actor played one of the elves in Lord of the Rings.”
“Oh my God, he thinks I’m Orlando Bloom?!”
“No silly—the older elf. Come to think of it that same actor played one of the drag queens in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.”
One of the most iconic films of my life? Now we were talking my language.
“The one who played Felicia? Guy Pearce? I love that!”
“No, you know Mitzi. The ugly one.”
“Ouch. Thanks a lot. He means Hugo Weaving? No way!”
Here’s the thing—I don’t dislike Hugo. It’s just I’m not quite sure I see the resemblance.
He is a decade older than me, and I have more hair. If I had to choose, I prefer to be Hugo as Agent Smith than creepy V for Vendetta.
But I’ll let you be the judge. Hugo as Mitzi del Bra vs. Jon Paul as Candy Nasty. Somehow, I don’t think this is what my Hardware Store Boyfriend was thinking.